


Guilt

by walfpups



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Other, sorry im a douche, wow i just wrote angst huh?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-19
Updated: 2012-11-19
Packaged: 2017-11-19 01:17:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/567391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walfpups/pseuds/walfpups
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just two times where Dean blames himself for letting people down</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guilt

A man stands alone at a train station. He is clenching his jaw to keep the inevitable tears that are about to run down his already damp cheeks. It's raining there, and he but he refuses to go inside to find shelter from the punishing pour. This man, this guilt-ridden, desperate man, can't bring himself to accept the scene that had just occurred not 15 minutes ago. He won't let himself cry. He can't. He has to remain composed, for Sammy. Sammy, the brother of this man who has just left to go to college. Sam says he want out of hunting, away from their father's ultimate control that he is so desperate to break.

The man at the station's name is Dean. An hour ago his brother told him he was leaving. Dean, shock creeping in, agreed to drive him to the nearest train station. The motel room, one of many, was the last time Sam will see their father for a long time. Somewhere, Dean knows Sam left to get away from their life, but the thought racking Dean's subconscious mind is that Sam doesn't love him enough to stay.

To Dean, this shatters any confidence he had left in his soul. If he couldn't even get his brother, his whole world, to stay, how useful could he be? How could he not blame himself for this. Maybe, if he treated Sam better. If Dean had kept Sam from fighting with their father so much. Maybe if Dean was a better brother, Sam would've stayed.

To Dean, this is confirmation that he lets down everyone he loves.

*

Dean stands with a man, an angel, outside of the car that has been the most reliable thing in his life. The angel, Castiel is just another person that he's let down. Over years, Dean has lost just about every person he's known, every person he's loved. Dean blames himself for every single person he's lost. He believes that every person who has died, he should've saved.

Dean tells Castiel that he can't do this again: He can't blame himself for this on top of everything else he's ever done, every single person he's let down. Dean tells him that he can't blame himself for this too. Dean tells him he did everything possible to get Cas out, and he's not lying. But that doesn't change what Dean feels. Dean blames himself, no matter how irrational that seems. Blames himself that he's let down Castiel, on top of everything else.

Cas shows Dean the true memory of what happened at the end. The memory that Dean had blocked out because the truth won't let Dean blame himself like he believes he should.

This truth has good and bad effects on Dean. This truth forces Dean to realize that he can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Yet, the guilt does not leave. He was unable to see the truth, unable to stop Cas from the decision that has been haunting Dean's subconscious since the moment he escaped Purgatory only to see that Castiel was not with him. His first subconscious response is to create a memory where he is at fault because the truth shows him more than he already knew.

Dean knows he lets everyone down. He knows he can't be the person he wants to be, but this, this he can't let himself see until now.

Castiel wanted to stay in Purgatory more than he wanted to be with Dean. Castiel's belief that he was paying penance was stronger than his want to stay with Dean. Dean wasn't his priority. Dean wasn't worth enough to keep him from his hatred of himself. This too, is Dean's fault.

Maybe if he had been more open about how he felt, Cas wouldn't have left. Maybe if he had tried harder to convince him. Maybe if Dean could've realized sooner that Cas never intended to leave Purgatory. Maybe. But he didn't. No matter the situation, the memory, he failed Cas. He couldn't save his friend. He couldn't save his closest friend, who sacrificed everything for him.

A pound of guilt is shed from his shoulders, only to be replaced with a heavier burden. He wasn't meant to be the hero, the savior, not that it stopped him from the self loathing he felt every time it was proven to be true

He let down another person he cares about, so what else is there?


End file.
